Evolution in the April Fool News - April 2004
by Do-While Jones

Nebraska Man Sues for Re-instatement

This is our annual special issue celebrating National Theory of Evolution Day (April 1), in which we give the theory of evolution all the respect that it deserves.

Famed attorney Johnny Cockroach has filed a suit in Kansas demanding that Nebraska Man be included as evidence of evolution in all the science textbooks. Gloria, the all-red ant, whose smaller brain makes her incapable of original thought 1, filed a similar suit in Ohio.

Evolutionists have targeted these two states because they have attempted to remove superstition from the science curriculum. "Science isn’t science without the old 19th century evolutionary myths." Cockroach said.

The controversy began in 1922 when a single tooth was discovered in Nebraska. This tooth was similar in some ways to ape teeth, and similar in other ways to human teeth. At the time, it was considered very strong evidence that humans and modern apes evolved from a common ancestor. The fossil, commonly referred to as "Nebraska Man", was given the technical name "Hesperopithecus" from the French J’espère ("I hope") and pithecus ("ape"), meaning, "I hope it’s an ape!"

A famous drawing of Nebraska Man published in the Illustrated London News was widely circulated until scientists discovered the rest of the skeleton. The jaw with the missing tooth turned out to be that of an extinct pig, so scientists reluctantly rejected Nebraska Man as a human ancestor.

Nebraska Man

(Click here to see what Nebraska Man really looks like.)

Cockroach’s suit says that Nebraska Man was excluded from the human family tree on the basis of unfair species discrimination. "If the tooth was evidence of evolution when it was thought to have been from an ape, why should it not be evidence when it was found to be from a pig?", Cockroach asks.

According to the lawsuit, the idea that humans evolved from pigs is no more ridiculous than the idea that humans evolved from apes, so it should be given equal consideration in the textbooks.

"This evidence is being kept out of the classroom by creationists because it proves all men are pigs!", Gloria said.

Nebraska Man, who now lives in Oregon, was unavailable for comment because he is currently on his honeymoon with his new bride, Porky Pig.

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1 Evolutionists believe that intelligence can be determined by brain size. Therefore ants can’t be nearly as smart as cockroaches because they have much smaller brains.