| Feature Article - December 2016 |
| by Do-While Jones |
The existence of flying reindeer proves the theory of evolution is true!
If you stop to think about it, the fact that flying reindeer help Santa deliver all those toys is perhaps the best proof that the theory of evolution is true. There are many general explanations for why the theory of evolution is true; but the specific explanation of how Santa’s reindeer evolved proves all the general statements about evolution are correct. Evolution is proved to be true every December 25th. Nobody can deny it.
The simple fact that so many children know that flying reindeer evolved to pull Santa’s sleigh should be proof enough. Children in our public schools all over America draw pictures of Santa’s reindeer because they know his reindeer really exist and know what they look like! One even has a red nose that glows! You can’t make this stuff up! Nobody would believe it. It must be true.
This widespread belief is not evidence of some evolutionary conspiracy. It is ridiculous to think that some sinister, shadowy group has conspired to lie to our children and corrupted the public education system. Who is the leader of this conspiracy? You can’t name him because he doesn’t exist! There’s no conspiracy among school teachers to fool our children into believing something that isn’t true. Besides, it isn’t just our schools that teach that reindeer can fly. Anybody who watches TV in December has seen lots of programs showing flying reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh. The evidence is everywhere, and is so widespread, it can’t be an evil conspiracy. It must be true.
So, we really don’t need any more proof. Millions of children know it is true, and they can’t all be wrong. They know it is true because it is true—not because of any conspiracy. But, if you want more proof, here’s more proof:
God would not create flying reindeer. He isn’t that kind of god. Therefore, flying reindeer must have evolved. Any idiot can understand that! (And, as a side note, the fact that flying reindeer evolved proves that God doesn’t exist, and the Bible is fiction. But let’s not get distracted by religious arguments. Let’s stick to scientific arguments.)
Reindeer living at the North Pole evolved the ability to fly because they had to. The ground is covered with snow and ice. You know how hard it is to walk in deep snow, and how dangerous it is to walk on slippery ice. Flying over the snow and ice is much easier and safer than walking on it. Not only that, there isn’t much for reindeer to eat at the North Pole. They have to fly to warmer places (where edible plants grow) to find food. And, since the warmer places are far away, they had to evolve the ability to fly very far very fast. The reindeer that could fly the farthest, and could fly the fastest, had a significant survival advantage over other reindeer. Natural selection drove the evolution of flight in reindeer. It was inevitable. The story makes sense!
Evolution-deniers are quick to point out that nobody has ever seen a flying reindeer, despite the fact that many children have stayed up late on Christmas Eve to try to catch a glimpse of one. But that just proves Santa’s reindeer are very stealthy. They see you before you see them, so they can hide before you spot them. They evolved the ability to avoid detection, which is further proof of how highly evolved they are.
It is true, nobody has ever found a fossil of a reindeer with wings—but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any fossils. The fossil record is very incomplete. Not only that, hardly anybody digs for fossils at the North Pole. There are probably thousands—no, more likely millions—of undiscovered flying reindeer fossils yet to be discovered. We just need more money for research to find them!
You may wonder exactly how reindeer evolved the ability to fly. That’s a fair question. Unfortunately, we don’t know the answer. But, in fairness, you must admit that we don’t know how birds evolved the ability to fly, either. But birds certainly do fly, and they could not have been created with that ability by any kind of god, so it must be possible for flight to evolve somehow. Most evolutionists agree that it seems unlikely that reindeer evolved the ability to fly by jumping out of trees and gliding to the ground. Reindeer can run faster than birds can run, so the ground-up theory of reindeer flight is currently preferred by most evolutionists; but we can’t be too dogmatic about that. The jury is still out. Someday, however, we will discover the true origin of reindeer flight. More research is needed.
The fact that there is disagreement among scientists about how reindeer flight evolved is proof of the superiority of science over faith. What scientists believe about reindeer evolution today might not be the same as what they will believe tomorrow because science is self-correcting. Granted, it may take some time for that to happen, and in the case of evolution it has taken more than 160 years (so far) to get the story right, but given more time, the mystery of evolution will eventually be solved. Given enough time, anything is possible.
It is a statistical fact that infinite time makes improbable events inevitable. The idea that reindeer can fly may seem fantastic, but is it really that much more fantastic than bird migration? How do birds and reindeer find their way around without a GPS? We don’t know, but we know they do it, so they must have evolved that ability, as improbable as it seems, because they had billions of years to do it.
It has been reported that a tiny fragment of a reindeer antler was discovered, and its DNA was analyzed. It was not exactly like the DNA of any known reindeer, so it must have come from one of Santa’s reindeer. We have no observational or fossil evidence that flying reindeer exist—but this discovery gives us the same amount of DNA evidence for flying reindeer as we have for the existence of Denisovans. 1 Just like in the case of the Denisovans (for whom we have just fragmentary fossil evidence) we can tell from the DNA alone where Santa’s reindeer live, what they look like, what they eat, and what the DNA of their ancestors must have been like. And, not surprisingly, our DNA analysis confirms everything we previously believed about Santa’s reindeer. (Well, yes, there is a lot of DNA analysis that contradicts our findings, but that must be the result of contamination, or convergent evolution, or improper analysis, or something. So, let’s just ignore those disquieting results.)
Everyone agrees further DNA studies are needed. To that end, the Federal Government has given a $487 million grant to scientists in Iceland to extract DNA from fresh reindeer feces. They are looking for the same genes associated with bioluminescence found in fireflies, glow worms, and jellyfish which would cause a nose to glow bright red. This would not only confirm the existence of Rangifer rudolphensus, it would also prove that bioluminescence reindeer and fireflies have a close common ancestor; or maybe it would prove that convergent evolution happens even more frequently than generally assumed. (The correct conclusion depends upon what the scientists who made the discovery already believe.)
No feces from Rangifer rudolphensus have been found yet, but we know they will. If they aren’t found, then the scientists’ faces will be redder than Rudolph’s nose. That can’t be allowed to happen.
Despite the facts that nobody has ever seen flying reindeer, no fossil evidence has ever been found, and DNA analysis is inconsistent with expectations, we know they must exist. There is no other plausible explanation for all those gifts under the tree on Christmas morning.
Anybody who doesn’t believe reindeer can fly is just anti-science. Flying-reindeer-evolution-deniers are just ignorant, irredeemable, deplorable, bitter clingers who cling to the scientific method and reject the wisdom of the elite scientists who know so much more than they do.
In summary, here is the proof that the theory of evolution is true in general, and that, in particular, flying reindeer have evolved:
What more proof do you need?
We usually reserve our parodies for the annual April Fool issue. We didn’t in this case because of the obvious seasonal nature of this parody.
In general, what makes parodies funny is the fact that they illustrate absurdity by being absurd. This particular parody is based on the fact that the theory of evolution is an absurd fairy tale which is no more scientific than belief in flying reindeer. All of the silly arguments we used to prove the existence of flying reindeer are basically the same arguments used to prove the theory of evolution; and you know it. (If you don’t know it, you haven’t really listened to what evolutionists say.)
People don’t believe in evolution because of scientific evidence—they believe in evolution in spite of all the science against evolution. They believe the theory of evolution for the same reasons children believe in Santa Claus—it is a story they want to believe told to them by adults.
It is always disappointing, and sometimes traumatic, when children learn the truth about Santa. They usually try to hold onto that belief in the face of overwhelming logic as long as they can. Sooner or later, they have to accept the truth.
The same thing is true about the theory of evolution. We can read the desperation written between the lines in some of the emails evolutionists write to us. When asked the simple question, “Why do you believe the theory of evolution is true?” they never can give a rational answer. This is abundantly clear on the evolutionists’ blogs you find all over the Internet. Evolutionists just lash out with insults whenever a creationist makes a valid, scientific point. It is pointless to debate them, so we don’t. We just take comfort in the fact that they would not write us such nasty hate mail if we had not struck a nerve. They would not bother to write if they didn’t feel like they had to try to disprove our compelling arguments.
It is heartwarming, on the other hand, to get thoughtful emails from people like Greg, which we are sharing with you in this month’s newsletter. When you read it you can tell he is really searching for the truth. He isn’t going to accept anything just because it is said by a scientist, or a priest. He has questions, and he wants answers. So, let’s turn from parody to a serious discussion of the issue.
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Footnotes:
1
Disclosure, July 2013, “Denisovans”