Song Parody - April 2016
by Death Valley Dave

We Come Clean

At last we finally admit what we really believe.

Our long-time readers know that we typically celebrate the National Theory of Evolution Day (April 1) with some sort of satire, usually a musical parody by Death Valley Dave. This year we are going to break with tradition by making a confession, and cop to the truth.

We have received countless emails saying, “So, you don’t believe in evolution. What is your alternative?” Until now, we have never answered that question. But since so many people want to know, we confess we believe in the multiverse theory, and here’s why.

Arguments for the Multiverse

What more can we say?

For those of you who are educationally deficient, and don’t know,

The multiverse (or meta-universe) is the hypothetical set of finite and infinite possible universes, including the universe we live in. Together, these universes comprise everything that exists: the entirety of space, time, matter, energy, and the physical laws and constants that describe them.

The various universes within the multiverse are called "parallel universes" or "alternate universes." 1

Evolution in the Gaps

Universes are popping into existence all the time due to quantum fluctuations. No evolution is necessary because they arise fully formed. We don’t have to explain how reptiles evolved into mammals because they all came into being by the same roll of some quantum dice.

Evolution happens in the gaps between the creation of these universes. That’s why there isn’t any evidence of evolution in our universe. It all happened before our universe popped into existence.

New Scientist Says So

We became fully convinced of this when the text across the bottom of the cover of the January 16-22, 2016, New Scientist magazine said, “UNIVERSE IN REVERSE The parallel worlds where time flows backwards”. If you read it in New Scientist magazine it must be true! (It’s true even if you read it backwards!)

In the multiverse, pocket universes could be born with clashing directions of time – the evolving future of one could happen in the rewinding past of another. … In 2004, Sean Carroll, now at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, showed it could apply, but only if complex and unlikely physics was involved.

Now Carroll and cosmologist Alan Guth of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have shown how time itself can arise organically from simpler principles, then flow in opposite directions in adjacent universes. 2

This is NEW science, which is so much superior to OLD science. Old science needed experimental proof. New science doesn’t. If you think it, it is true, even if it is “complex and unlikely.” Especially if it is “complex and unlikely!”

Scientists disagree about the details, but that doesn’t matter (as our critics so often tell us). They all agree that multiuniverses do exist, so it doesn’t matter if the multiuniverses they believe exist are different. Whether it’s Max Tegmark's four levels, or Brian Greene's nine types, or M-theory, or Black-hole cosmology, all “real scientists” agree there must be many other universes besides our own, so it must be true.

Proponents of one of the multiverse hypotheses include Stephen Hawking, Brian Greene, Max Tegmark, Alan Guth, Andrei Linde, Michio Kaku, David Deutsch, Leonard Susskind, Alexander Vilenkin, Yasunori Nomura, Raj Pathria, Laura Mersini-Houghton, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Sean Carroll. 3

If Stephen Hawking and Neil deGrasse Tyson believe it, it must be true because they are theoretical scientists, not just practical scientists. Theoretical scientists are far superior to practical scientists.

Thomas Edison couldn’t hold a candle to Neil deGrasse Tyson’s ability to tell fantastic stories, so he actually had to build the light bulb to prove he could do it. It takes real talent to convince people of things they’ve never seen (like what happens inside a black hole, and what kind of life there is under the frozen surface of one of Jupiter’s moons) without any proof whatsoever. Less talented scientists, like Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, and Alexander Graham Bell, just cheapened science by using science to invent things and then sell those things to people who wanted to buy them.

Old Science was based on the scientific method, which involved experimental verification. New Science eliminates that unnecessary nuisance.

It Hasn’t Been Disproved

We know there’s no proof of any kind that multiple universes exist. But people who understand quantum physics and string theory believe it, and that’s good enough for us. Besides, there’s no proof that the multiverse isn’t real. There’s DNA evidence against the theory of evolution; but no DNA evidence against the multiverse. Since there are only two non-religious explanations for how we got here, and since the preponderance of scientific evidence is against the theory of evolution, the multiverse theory wins by default.

The origin of the universe and true meaning of life can be found in the inscrutable laws of quantum physics! It deserves to be celebrated in song. If this magnificent song doesn’t convince you that we are an accident in one of the infinite number of universes created by a poorly understood aspect of quantum physics, then nothing will.

Quantum’s the Word

(to the tune of “Grease is the Word”)

Click this link to hear the song..
MIDI background sequenced by Neil Strawbridge. Vocals performed by Death Valley Dave.

I solved my problems when I saw the light
The multi-universe is the theory that’s right
It’s not some foolish notion gone too far
Just start believing now it made us all who we are
Quantum’s the word.

Physical proof is a colossal pain
What they don’t understand is just a crying shame
Who needs a fact to show our theory’s real
We’re gonna fight right now because we know what we feel
Quantum’s the word

Quantum’s the word, is the word that you heard
It's got groove, it’s got meaning
Quantum made time, it made space, it’s a notion
Quantum’s the way we are feeling

Take evolution and just throw it away
Conventionality belongs to yesterday
Each multi-universe has different stars
Just start believing now it made us all who we are
Quantum’s the word

Quantum’s the word, is the word that you heard
It's got groove, it’s got meaning
Quantum made time, it made space, it’s a notion
Quantum’s the way we are feeling

One universe is an illusion
Wrapped up in trouble
Laced with confusion
What are we doing here?

We take all logic and we throw it away
New universes now just happen every day
It’s just by chance that we have made it so far
Just start believing now it made us all who we are
Quantum’s the word

Quantum’s the word, is the word that you heard
It's got groove, it’s got meaning
Quantum made time, it made space, it’s a notion
Quantum’s the way we are feeling
Quantum’s the word, is the word, is the word, …

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2 Joshua Sokol, New Scientist, 13 January 2016, “Time might flow backwards as well as forwards from the big bang”,